LIZ

You know it’s been a good day when you find yourself dancing to “The Wake-Up Call with Grauchi” that’s blazing through the premium membranes of your Xiaomi Bluetooth Earbuds as you head home from Clabu. Home is Chiromo; a step up from the shady life you lived at Hall 16’s Mamlaka A hostel. There you were regarded by some as one of those bright geniuses who lost faith in God and turned to Anasa and Sherehe. But to many, you were the Master of Form. The Formist. Mr. Sherehe Teletele. You loved the life but have soon grown weary of it and now your life moves on slowly with caution. At Chiromo, you are the guy who decides to live miles away from school. If such a person lived next to me, I would have questions that deserved answers. Why so far away from school? What are you running away from? What happened in your past life sir? I would take to sleeping with my lights on and with the security guard’s number on speed dial. I digress.

The last time I was here, I was very virgin. Very. I’ve gone on to have this much yearned for sex that you all talk about. It is not overrated. It is not underrated. Well rated. X-rated, like this article. Goes a long way to show how much time has gone between the last day you read my work. I had sex. I have had a lot of it. It was mind-bowing. Sometimes disappointing. Sometimes very awkward. Sometimes very satisfactory. However, the last time I was with Elizabeth was the last time I had sex. That’s over one hundred days ago. Wait, one hundred and forty seven straight days. I’ve not had any more since. I don’t want any more sex.

So, Elizabeth. Poor thing. I met her on Tinder. You remember Tinder?

She was a beautiful bag of innocence and bones. Still is. I was a big bag of confusion and lust. And we seemed to be the best match for each other. Sometimes I tell myself that Elizabeth was like the stitch I needed at that time to save nine. She was everything I needed in a warm cozy packaging of tender love and care.

Elizabeth came from a not-so-humble family. Her mother was one of those business women that imported women’s clothing from Turkey and later became a nominated Member of the County Assembly. Her father was a Dairy Farmer and doubled as a Headteacher at one branch of a well-known Group of Schools. She grew up always having what she needed, but when it came to me, she made compromises out of love. Lots of compromises for love.

I can picture her grow up in a loving home. With two siblings and three hired laborers. One who cleaned, one cooked and the last one was the shamba boy. I picture her dad giving her the ‘why working hard is important’ talks that were riddled with clichés like “Failure to plan is planning to fail” and the all so famous “When the going gets tough, only the tough get going.” Oh, and an absent mum who was either abroad or busy passing whack by-laws in the county assembly. The kind of by-laws that banned liquor stores from areas near schools and worship places. Or that banned selling Mutura without a government license.

Some days I called her Liz. Other days Eliza. But Beth was my favorite.

***

“Is this the kind of life you want for yourself?” Beth asked, still standing at the entrance door of Room 53 – The Penthouse of Mamlaka A, my home.

“I plan to bathe more often though,” I tried to joke, “but everything else seems fine.”

“I love you and I’m here for you whenever.” “But Mark, you need help. You are hurting yourself, and you are hurting me.”

“You sound like my mother. Babe come here. Let’s cuddle,” I suggested drunkenly.

“Get your shit together. I love you, Mark. Goodbye.”

And that is the last time I saw Beth. It was the last time I drank Flirt Vodka Green Apple. It was the last time I said ‘I love you’ to a slamming door.

***

The first day I saw Beth, she had that frown-smile. You know that smile you give your tinder date that has kept you waiting two hours at Sarit Centre, leaving you no other option but to explore the giant mall praying not to end up at Atwoli’s backyard in Kakamega. Like you’re happy they didn’t cancel but also mad they took Uhuru’s tano tena years to get from Kilimani to Sarit Centre. The first words I uttered were, “Phew, landing a chopper on Sarit is harder than it seems.” She didn’t laugh. It was stupid. But in my defense, good things take time, and I was the best thing she would be having that day.

The chicken fajitas at Java weren’t as tasty as her lips a few hours later. But a few hours before the kissing began, we ravaged our way along escalators, up and down elevators and across basement parking lots until we exited the huge mall and ended up at Oilibya’s Marhaba chicken inn for a quick lunch. That day, the three-piecer cost 300 bob. I managed two, each for us and an extra 1050 bob that religiously bought the Flirt vodka litre bottle that came with a 1.25 litre Krest soda. After the third shot, in her house next to Pride Inn Hotel, she touched my goatee- said it felt like her father’s, the headteacher. Then my side bans that had not really connected yet (Like Jalango’s). Then my lips. Especially the lower lip. And she looked into my eyes. Our first intimate interaction was her licking my dry lower lip.

“You’re dehydrated,” she said, kneeling directly above me, both her legs across my torso and hands on my chest, “I can deal with that because I’m wet.”

I looked into her big black pupils. Was this sex? Lying on her bed, I start picturing the seventy positions I could contort her in within the next seven minutes. Then she kissed me. And we kissed. And we broke each other’s innocence. And my life (and future articles) would never be the same again.

***

I was startled by my own reflection in the mirror. I had shrunk to a shell of my original frame. Deep set eye bags underlined my swollen eyes that lately barely saw anything. I smelled of alcohol. My light skin looked leprous. My lip was still bleeding from an encounter I had with the bathroom floor the previous night. I was a mess. My hands were now visibly trembling. I was hungry. I looked unhappy. I was. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and asked yourself where you went wrong?

Was Beth going to come back? Was I going to beat my drinking problem?

The time on my Xiaomi Redmi Note 9 Pro was 11:30 am. I loved this phone. It now had a cracked screen, well because. But it also had photos of the dates we went on with Beth. Saape Lounge in TRM. Big Square on Mombasa Road. A BnB in Kitengela. It had photos of Beth smiling, laughing, and talking endlessly, asleep, awake, sad, happy and tipsy. It had videos of us kissing, dancing, cooking and even one where Beth was chasing down a kitten that had refused to fall for the puss puss trick that summons cats. She caught the poor thing but won herself a few scratches and bites.

“She will be back.”

I need to brush my teeth. My breath stinks. Oh, glovo is offering free delivery. Let me order my last ever bottle of vodka. I’ll quit tomorrow.

I was wrong. It was downhill since. I’ll tell you all about it with time.

***

Well, as I was saying, you know it’s a good day when you head straight home from Clabu without a single regret in mind. It is a good day because it has officially been seven straight days without a drop of alcohol touching your decolorized lips. You feel on top of your problems. You feel in control once more. Your parents would be proud of your progress in sobriety because the drinking had forced you out of school. Beth would be proud of the man you were slowly but surely growing into.

You don’t want to relive all the wasted months. You don’t want to find yourself waking up in your friend’s house in bed naked next to a skinny girl with dreadlocks who looks awfully identical to Boutross. You don’t want to find yourself contemplating suicide by throwing yourself towards Waiyaki Way traffic hoping to be taken out by a speedy SuperMetro from Kikuyu or better, Limuru. You don’ want to break another heart. You don’t want to cause another tear roll down a loved one’s cheek.

You want the liberty. The control.

You want Beth back in your life.

Madaraka day

Well, the first day of June every year we all know what happens in this country. We celebrate ‘ freedom’ . This more often termed as democracy.
I find it hard to understand what we really celebrate ama you just need a day off ya kukata maji na kuchana jaba all day.

Y’all remember 2007 or you must have read it somewhere.We had a disputed election in 2007 that resulted in the most destructive wave of electoral violence in all of Kenya’s history. The country was burning, literally. There were places you couldn’t access if you weren’t from particular ethnic backgrounds. Ethnic militias operated with impunity. Years of oppression and subjugation bubbled over. The center could no longer hold. You still want to celebrate freedom?

We have a fucked up education system. It tests memory and ignore  skills. Mtu anasoma for 20 years and still need a connection to secure a job. HELB loan is  profit scheme by the ‘who owns Kenya’. The treasury clears lump-sum recurrent debts  by Kenya Airways and still ask broke and depressed graduates to repay their loans within the offered short grace period. To conclude ‘unalipia kuteseka’.
You still want to celebrate freedom?

How do we elect our leaders? Is it based on meritocracy  or ‘mtu wetu’? How much do we pay them? How long to they take to pass a bill that benefits the local mwananchi? How long do they take to amend their salaries? We are doomed. You still want to celebrate?

It should be ‘murder haraka day’ for me. Tom mboya, JM Kariuki, Robert Ouko, Baby Pendo, Marsabit plane crash all orchestrated by the government to cover their evil. People die every year because of floods, famine and diseases. You remember the Patel dam tragedy? You remember the Garissa attack? The Kenei murder is still fresh?
You still want to celebrate?

The head of state was involved is popularising BBI bill. They went ahead and bribed MCAs with luxurious cars to pass the bill without public participation. Simultaneously, doctors were demanding pay rise because of the current economic problems ,they couldn’t handle their bills with the current salary. Do you know what SRC did?Nothing.
The KEMSA scandal? The covid billionaires? The vaccine confusion?And the president is watching and doing nothing
You still want to celebrate?

How long does it take to convict mwizi wa kuku? Judge anagongesha nyundo kwa meza like you killed someone.
Then you ask yourself what happens to the big fish cases? Euro bond, Kimwarer dam, Obado’s case, Babu owino shooting Dj Evolve, Gold smuggling scandal. Is the judiciary really independent. Are judges a scheme by the deep state to earn ransom from these cases? Do you still want to celebrate?

Happy madaraka day

Dramaz

“I think I’m pregnant.”. .. Such a short sentence with a profound effect.. I no longer felt on top of the world instead it felt like I was plummeting off it, dropping with my insides churning as I struggled to understand how this happened. It can’t be! I have never gotten any girl pregnant.. I practice safe sex but on the rare occasion where my sexual partner and I are engulfed in trustful embraces, I make sure to always pull out. I’m a pull out master! I’ve never failed at it, years of practice in long term relationships gave me mastery of my nut. Some guys can’t pull out at all because they tremble while they cum and in that brief period of orgasmic bliss they lose control.. I don’t. It can’t be! I thought again as I stared at Blue’s text, proof that it can. “Fuck!” I muttered under my breath as I left the party, Moe’s cousin said something but it was unintelligible, sounded more like sheep’s bleating. The building I was in was five floors high with the inside a perfect square of doors aligned on all sides, the inner railing was synonymous with the shape of the building and there on the second floor is where I found Cyrene leaning against the green rails. He looked lost in thought but upon seeing me his expression reverted to the gleeful drunk I’d conversed with prior to approaching Purple. “I saw you talking to a girl, she’s thicc! Is she the female wolf? Are you going to add her to your wives?” Cyrene has an uncanny ability of yanking me out of the present and into the past. Months ago, in a moment of deep bromance I opened up to Cyrene about my exes “I told every single one of them ‘I love you’, I meant it while saying the words, in that moment of cosmic connection I felt real genuine love for the girl before me and I felt the same words reverberate with equal power as the girls said them back. I don’t see them as exes, our relationships ended for various reasons but that doesn’t mean what I said was false, I meant it, and they meant it too. In a brief moment we were one.” I blame boredom for the sentimentality I was exhibiting back then. “Maybe that’s what it’s like when you find the one. A cosmic connection occurs that doesn’t end, the kind that forces you to wed and spend the rest of your life with someone you believe was meant for you.” Cyrene too dripped sentimentality back then, “Yours aren’t exes, they are prototypes of your future wife, that brief moment of connection is a preview of what it would be like constantly if you found your soulmate. I hate my exes, I guess my exes are a prototype of what hell is like. ” That’s the other thing about Cyrene, his sentiment runs dry very fast. Ever since that conversation Cyrene refers to my exes as wives and I refer to his as demons. “The girl I was talking to was indeed the female wolf.” I started while walking towards him to take a position at the rail. “I find myself sexually attracted to her but right now I’m a little shaken with the whole sex thingy. A girl just texted me saying she thinks she’s pregnant.” It’s so easy to confide in Cyrene, mostly because of his tendency to shed a different light on a situation. I needed that, I needed to view my ordeal from a different perspective. To my surprise Cyrene laughed really hard to a point where I thought he’d tip over the rail, “Your name is Kyalo Junior, if you get a child will they call you Junior or Senior?” It’s a question every person named ‘Junior’ suffers.. I’ve heard that question numerous times and the laughter that comes with it too. I’ve never found it funny. I fought the urge to push him off the rail as his laughter crackled across the building’s expanse.. But then I considered his cliché joke and for the first time in my life I found myself wondering whether my offspring will refer to me as Junior or senior. The kid will refer to me as dad. The thought sent a panic attack that I fought hard against , too hard that I forgot to fake laugh at Cyrene’s joke hence resulting in an uncomfortable silence after he realized I wasn’t joining in his laughter. “Kyalo relax, what you’re experiencing is called a pregnancy scare, it almost always turns out to be nothing.” Cyrene said, there goes that shed of light I so desperately needed. He was right, Blue’s text said she thought she was pregnant.. Thinking and being certain are two different things. “I think I’ll have to name my child something worse than Junior so as to get the attention off my name.” I said and smiled at Cyrene, he returned the smile, clearly relieved that our vibe was back. “If it’ll be a girl I’ll name her Dorothy or Roda, always found those names to be..” “Heeeey! My mom’s name is Dorothy.” Cyrene interrupted. There was a brief period of uncomfortable silence before we simultaneously erupted into fits of laughter that slowly died down to a comfortable silence as each of us got lost in our own drunk thoughts concerning names. There’s the reason why talking helps, it helps to either solve an issue or get your mind off it long enough to find a solution, either way help occurs when you choose to open up other than bottle things. I realized in the silence that ensued our laughter that Blue might not be pregnant, she wasn’t certain yet so why then should I panic over uncertainty? I took out my phone and texted her “I’ll come over tomorrow at 11am, we’ll talk then.” As brief a text as she’d sent me. I’ll make sure to head over there with a pregnancy test. I decided that was my last thought on the matter till morning light. I found another text from Moe asking whether I’d exited the party with Cyrene yet. In my panic I’d forgotten my task as co-host was still in play, I texted Moe that I was taking Cyrene to the roof. “Bruuh let’s go to the roof, there’s a view Moe says is only considered amazing if seen through the eyes of the intoxicated and we both fit intoxicated really well right now.” I started but Cyrene didn’t answer, he was staring at two figures on the ground floor. His face was a blanket of peaked interest and the smile slowly forming on it was menacing enough to reveal a sinister motive in play. The problem with some architectural designs is that the ground floor rooms rarely have good network coverage hence requiring the bottom tenants to go network searching. You’ll occasionally find someone outside their door on their phone, trying to answer whatsapp messages before heading back inside to zero network bars and ground floor cold temperatures to wait for the whatsapp messages to be replied to before heading back out again to network fish in order to see said replies. Sometimes it’s just porn someone is trying to have a wank to in the confines of their room but the video would buffer forcing the wanker to have to stick the phone out through the room’s window with one hand and wave it around looking for bars with the other hand still wanking away. Don’t be surprised to enter a building to find hands jutting out of windows. It’s tough living on the ground floor. I’ve lived the ground floor life but I’ve come to see the cold and lack of network as an advantage. Girls who visited me had no option but to cuddle in order to generate heat, this would in turn lead to seeking more frictional means to generate more heat. It was necessary for survival, don’t judge me. The lack of network also meant that the girls had no option but to indulge me since they can’t spend time on their phones. I feel like the ground floor serves as the backbone of my sexual history. I followed Cyrene’s line of sight to two girls who stood outside a door while on their phones.. I failed to see how the familiar sight of network fishing interested Cyrene. One girl was petite and appeared shapely in her sweatpants and fading crop top and the other was plus size and in a nightgown that dangled loosely off her large build. “Oh my God Kyalo look at the big girl.” Cyrene said.. His tone of voice couldn’t be mistaken… He was horny. “Oh my God Kyalo she is just my type, she’s P-H-A-T Kyalo, Phat! That’s slang for sexy by the way, look it up. She has meat in all the right places bro, my God!Look at her, SHE’S A GODDESS! Her thighs can probably kill me, I want her to kill me, Fuck I want to die by her hand.” Cyrene said. He was almost drooling as he leaned harder onto the rail.” Kyalo I need a wingman bruh.” He said while turning to me, Cyrene was dead serious. I felt as if I had no choice but to comply to his demands. Darn it! I was expected to play party co-host, a wolf and a wingman all in the same night! I didn’t feel like it. “Bro you’re just drunk re-” Cyrene shushed me.. The audacity of this horny boy! He placed his index finger to his lips and shushed me. I felt the urge to throw him off the rail again. “Kyalo I’m asking this one thing of you man, this one thing bro, just go after the small one man, eliminate her from the equation, cancel her out, I want the big one.. Damn that girl can pin me to the wall, I want that bro, I just want a woman who can lift me up and slam me against the wall while we’re both butt naked and sweaty.” I sighed before accepting his call for a wingman. I had to accept, I feared I might be the one thrown off the rail if I failed to help him get pinned to the wall by a busty girl. We descended the stairs located at one edge of the square building. All the while Cyrene kept painting graphic images in my mind of him in a 69 position with the girl with him playing the 9. He seemed to be genuinely interested in her and I used that fact to fuel myself to push forth and play the wingman, a job I haven’t done in a while since I mostly hunt alone. As our feet graced the ground floor with a slight stagger to each step Cyrene said to me. “We are gonna approach them directly, okay? I don’t have the mental capacity for mind games. I’m gonna come straight up to the girl and tell her I want to be buried in her titties.” I was about to protest the idea of openness especially with strangers but Cyrene was already strides ahead toward the girls. The petite girl saw us coming first, she maintained an air of nonchalance after muttering something to her larger network fishing partner, she probably assumed she was the intended prey. The big girl observed our approach and struggled to also put up a nonchalant pose but she came out as anxious instead. Cyrene went and stood in front of the girl he wanted. She was taller than him on top of being bigger. He stared at her without saying a word. I arrived seconds later and stood in front of the petite girl who didn’t bother to acknowledge my presence, her attention was on her phone, swiping through whatsapp statuses and acting oblivious to the two strangers before her. She looked pretty and bitchy up close and Cyrene’s girl tried to emulate the same air but failed miserably, she could not act oblivious of Cyrene’s gaze and she eventually met it with her own. I was about to speak so as to introduce myself but Cyrene spoke first, “I was standing up there with this black guy beside me.” He said while pointing at the spot on the second floor, both girls looked towards where his index finger pointed. “I saw you, I saw you and I can’t explain it but every part of me ached to talk to you.” He spoke to her and her alone.. It was as if nobody else was around. The petite girl looked confused. I was confused. Cyrene’s target was confused. I knew he said he was going to be direct but I didn’t expect it to be this direct. I decided to play his game. “Yes.” I started, eyes meeting with the petite girl’s. “My only job here is to be his wingman and eliminate you from the equation but it appears your phone is doing my job for me. I’m not interested in you either way so you can carry on swiping.” Perhaps I’d come off as too direct and ended up bordering on the offensive because the petite girl reacted “I’m not interested in you either, Regina let’s go.” She said as she attempted to draw her friend back into their crib. “Regina, is that your name? It reminds me of an Otile Brown song.” Cyrene said and smiled, his smile was infectious, Regina smiled and I found myself smiling too. “I want to listen to the song with you Regina, just you and I lost in a lyrical universe that tries to describe your unparalleled beauty but fails to do so because a mere three minute song can’t summarize all of you.” Cyrene said. He then did the unimaginable. He sang. Cyrene didn’t sing the whole song, that’d be absurd, just a segment of it “Angel sent from up above mzuri tena mwenye adabu oooh yeah.” It should have been cringe, especially the ‘Ooh yeah’ part that he purposefully prolonged so as to emphasize his vocal prowess. Every single part of the ordeal should have made me want to jump into a crocodile infested river but the way Cyrene sang was nothing short of perfect. I didn’t know he could sing let alone that he listens to Otile Brown! The girls seemed to be in awe too, the petite girl was frozen like a statue and Regina was openly battling the urge to bite her lower lip and fling her titts at his face. Right on cue Moe walked into the building with a bag on his back that was definitely full of liquor and a white box in hand that was definitely carrying a cake. “Fuck Kyalo! You had one fucking job. One job man!” He said while walking towards us. He was visibly distraught that his plan to surprise Cyrene had failed. I had forgotten that I’d texted him that I’d taken Cyrene to the roof.. I didn’t know how to reply to him so I just feigned ignorance and shrugged, hoping I looked dumb enough for him to take pitty on me and forgive my blunder. “Wait, your name is Kyalo? Are you Sharon’s ex?” The petite girl asked, she had droopy eyes that made her look half asleep. It’s a difficult question she’d asked. To you it simply sounds like a yes or no thing but to me it had layers upon layers of possible answers. I went through a Sharon phase a while back, I dated two girls in a row called Sharon and the coincidence of it amused me greatly so I decided to see how many Sharons I can date, the answer is four. I went four Sharons in a row and I thought myself a fucking legend for the quadruple stunt I pulled. During that period I’d be like, “What’s your name?” and if a girl replied any other name that wasn’t Sharon I’d not be interested. I should say it was probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done, but I can’t say that because I’ve done dumber things to the point where my Sharon Phase doesn’t even come close to the top ten dumbest things I’ve done. I didn’t answer her question, I just stared at her instead of answering, what good will come of telling her I have no inkling which Sharon she’s referring to? Moe chuckled, he knew of my Sharon Phase and the layers that came with the question. “Regina let’s go, these guys are drunk and this one is a womanizer.” She said the last word while sizing me up. I suppressed an insane urge to grab the cake from Moe’s hand and fling it at her face. How dare she judge me! I didn’t even know her name but here she was categorizing me as something… Uuurgh.. What the fuck is a womanizer? Does that mean there’s a manizer? I don’t care about what the streets say about me but at least one should have the decency to say such things in private other than to my face. I disliked her and whichever Sharon it was that cemented me as a womanizer in this stranger’s eyes. “Ahmm.. I don’t know about that one Crystal but this one is hella cute.” Regina said, her eyes on Cyrene. I realized that Cyrene hadn’t even bothered to acknowledge Moe. He had eyes for her and her alone. Crystal…That’s her name. “Your name is Crystal? Like crystal meth?” I asked. I saw the irritation spread over Crystal’s face causing her heavy eyelids to rise ever so slightly and the edges of her mouth to crease. She hates me. Why shouldn’t she? She’s just witnessed a friend of hers being likened to an Otile Brown song and here she is being compared to a drug that causes your teeth to rot off. And to top it all off Regina’s interests appeared to have greatly changed from fishing for network coverage to potential Cyrene penis. “Oh Hey Moe, is that my birthday cake?” Cyrene asked breaking the staring contest he was holding with Regina. Philosophically crazy! He’d pieced everything together apparently so taking him to the roof wouldn’t have been necessary after all. Moe looked as if he wanted to deny it and run away with the cake all the way to his place and await Cyrene to follow so as to surprise him by force.”I don’t like birthdays, I only saw my dad during my birthdays and the whole celebrating of my birthday with strangers was always a huge hindrance to me spending time with him.” Cyrene continued. “But this is going to be the best birthday party ever, if you decided to join me Regina.” He turned back to the plump girl and held out his hand. Smooth. It was mastery at work, using a personal piece of his past as bait to hook her and then reel her in? Classic. Regina hesitated to take his hand “Oh it’s your birthday? Happy Birthday! I ‘m kind of an introvert though. I’m not okay with parties especially those that I don’t know people.” She said the last part with a slight glance at me. I guess I’m the villain in this fucking story, everyone being all weary of the womanizer. Cyrene wasn’t going to take no for an answer “I am going to spend the entire time with you so don’t worry, nobody else but you, we’ll be introverted together. That would truly make my birthday a happy one.” Crystal rolled her eyes at Cyrene’s reply. Moe smiled, grasping what was going on. Regina looked like she had added Riding Cyrene to her bucket list. We left them to change, they were dressed more like they were heading to bed than to grind their asses on crotch. They promised to attend the party and with that the three of us started heading up the steps to Moe’s. “Can you believe that girl, calling me a womanizer! My body count isn’t even half of yours.” I said while pointing at Moe. My buddies both laughed. “That girl was just green with envy bruh, don’t take it personal, she was probably used to being the center of attention and here she found herself at the edge of it due to our buddy here.” Moe said and nudged Cyrene with the white box carrying cake. Cyrene had a smile running from ear to ear, he was with us but I knew his mind was still with Regina. “Green.” I muttered under my breath. What a suiting nickname for Crystal.

Sherehe

It is a saturday night. Like many Nairobi denizens I’m out getting blitzed. We do love our tipple don’t we? Anyway, I’m in club Switch, Kasarani and the joint is packed. It is a decent club and the Dj this particular night wasn’t half as bad. Nairobi women, God bless you. The one thing you absolutely nail is how to you dress for the night out. Killer short dresses and those butt hugging tight jeans. I absolutely love it.

So there I am, knocking back some brown botties with my usual gang, talking shit having a good time. The Dj is really on fire. It’s about 12 oclock and everybody is up dancing. Well when I say everybody I mean the ladies.Kenyan dudes don’t really dance, do we? All we got is one move,get behind the chick and sugua that ass like a burnt up sufuria at mama Oliech’s. The ladies on the other hand, lit. Sijui hiyo tizi ya kudance mnaichapianga wapi.

I cannot dance to save my life. I just sit there bottle in hand and ogle like a deranged psychopath as some bootiful lass gyrates her ass from here to Rongai and back while some drunk lad tries to coax her into a session of ‘let’s grind until the front of my jeans fade’. It is not an amusing sight to watch. Actually it is. I do however love the spirit of these dudes in the face of rejection. It is on to the next one, it seems. Sooner or later they hit pay dirt. Kujiamini mtu wangu.

Hours fly by and a reggae set comes on. Kenyans loove reggae. The club goes absolutely bonkers. Reggae is our shit. In fact,to support this claim log into YouTube play any reggae and scroll down the comments section. The line up of Kenyan commenters there is astronomic. Wasee wamekam thru videadly. No wonder these Jamaican artistes love coming here so much. Much love they get.

Anyway, reggae is on and that is about the only time I get up to dance. Like I said, I’m a terrible dancer but reggae I can dance. Anybody can dance to reggae. I bet even Donald Trump can dance to reggae. Simple moves. Flow with the rhythm.

After about 15 minutes or so of the Chris Martins, Konshens, Tarrus, Kartel et al I decide to go outside to get some fresh air. I’m seated upstairs so down the stairs I go. Coming down the stairs I see some friends of mine I hadn’t seen in a minute. These are guys I used hang with a while back, mostly drinking. I did not really know much about them as I was to later find out,rather shockingly.

So I go down to their table and it is a surprise happy re-union. One of the guys had his chick with him and on their table was a bottle of JW red label half-way through. The guys invited me for a drink which of course I accepted and thus began my epic derailment. We had not seen each other for almost two years I think, so you can imagine how much we had to catch up on. Now, if you’ve been to any Kenyan club you know what nightmare it is to try to talk over the blaring music.

Somehow we manage through. Courtesy of the liquor of course. So instead of going out for fresh air I sat there with this new company hitting a couple of shots of the red Johnnie .Now, I’m a pretty decent drinker. I can handle my liquor very well. I do however have an Achilles heel. Beer I can drink. Tonnes of it. Hard liquor, I’ll drink almost everybody under the table.

Mix the the two and I just lose it. Total shit-show. That combo just scrambles my system. I get so high to the point where I’ll dance to anything. Even a mulika mwizi ringtone. Quite a spectacle to behold. I lost track of time at some point. All I remember is one of the guys buying another bottle and suggesting we go home to drink it.

Next thing I know, we are at some someone’s crib. It is the guy with the chick’s house. By now I’m really wasted but I can still maintain.We continued partying. Music blasting in the wee hours. Such a kenyan thing. Watu wametoka dunda kitu 3 ama 4 and they continue the party not giving half a fuck about you poor neighbours. That’s how we roll I guess. I remember eating some sausages then things went blur. I must have blacked out.

I wake up, startled and confused by the strange surroundings. It took a while before the recollection came. I get up from the bed and head to the bathroom. Beautiful house. Neat. I make a mental note to get a semi-permanent female resident in my house asap. Everybody is already up. It is about noon. I look at myself in the in the mirror as I wash my face. No ‘dents’. That’s good. My eyes are bloodshot. I wipe my face and head to the living room.

The guys there are already at it. More JW. My head is spinning and a mild hangover is in the horizon. “Toa lock buda” the host implores me. “Hit me”, I oblige.We drink, play some FIFA then had lunch. A perfect Sunday start up. The guys suggest we go to town to meet up with some acquaintance of theirs. It is a lazy Sunday for me and I had no plans so I agreed to tag along.

I grab my phone which I had forgotten in the car the night before as we head out. A billion and one messages and missed calls from the guys I came with to the club asking about my whereabouts.

I call each one of them receiving the expected customary “uko na ufala sana msee..” from almost all of them. That’s just Kenyan guy talk for “I was worried about you man.” I assured the boys that all was well and that I just had a crazy night which knowing them was understood as “ulichipoiwa na dem flani”. How wrong they were.

Thika road on a Sunday afternoon is absolute bliss. No traffic on this particular day. We are just cruising sipping JW out of styrofoam cups blasting some old school hip hop as we into town. It is a short drive and in no time there we were. We head down River road to the backstreets, park and proceed to a seedy ‘wines and spirits’. A young guy may be in his mid to late 20’s, tall and slightly built meets us at the entrance. He is ecstatic to see the chaps I’m with. This must be him, I thought. The friend. 

We went in, sat down on the ‘sina taabu’s’ and without asking the new guy asks the barlady to bring us two ‘quarters’ of chrome vodka. My two compadres do not say a word. I decide to go with the flow. When in Rome drink Chrome I guess. The new guy is one helluva story teller. I have never laughed so hard in my life. He regaled us with his shenanigans and we just sat there laughing our butts off fighting back tears with a shot of cheap vodka.

He was hilarious. Hours flew by. It is getting dark outside now. One of the guys says he wants to go buy some weed. Buy weed? In town? Ok let’s go. I was curious. So we go down the street to some small shop at a nondescript building. The shopkeeper after talking with my guy in coded language tells him “Lakini unaeza mpata mtaani..” My guy then asks for what I assume is the plug’s number and off we go. To where I don’t know. All four of us are in the car speeding along Jogoo road at night.

We stop and park somewhere near City stadium and the guy calls the plug. In a few minutes, seemingly out of nowhere a dreadlocked wiry guy with a backpack knocks on the door glass. “Ah niaje Salim”, my guy greets the dude as he fist bumps him. We all ‘gota’ him. The transaction is lightning quick. Less than 30 secs and we are off. We head back to town. The guy who bought the weed proceeds to roll some joints. This dude must be quite the stoner, I thought, as he expertly sanif’d and rolled it all the while the car is rocking from side to side. Those of you who’ve tried it will attest that it is no mean feat.

We start smoking up in the car as we head into the CBD. I was freaking out, you know because of the law. These other guys though, cool as fuck. Obviously they were used to this. We hot boxed the hell out of that car. Weed and alcohol is a killer combo for me. Even worse than beer and liquor. I wasn’t going to turn it down though. After all the hospitality these guys had shown me? That would just be rude. So I blazed. The thing with weed, good weed, is that you never know when it hits you good. There you are toking away one minute, the next you think you are watching alien lesbian porn or whatever your trips are made of.

I’m high af. We get out of the car and head into this dingy looking club downtown River road. The place is packed. Never mind it is a Sunday. Packed with riff raffs. Guys chewing miraa with taxins the size of tennis balls bulging out the sides of their mouths. All around are skimpily dressed women. Whores. The new friend buys us a round of beer. I grab mine and start drinking it while holding it close to my chest with my thumb down the opening.

Paranoia was beginning to kick in. The ladies are quite aggressive. One of them comes to our table and asks to sit down. The guys let her. She begins chatting with the guy who bought the drinks who was incidentally seated next to me. In that dimly lit joint high on weed and booze to me she looked stunning. Never mind she had the brownest set of teeth you’ve ever seen. The girl whispers something to the guy and he looks at me then straight up asks me if I was up for a ‘good time’ all at his expense of course. I thank him for his generosity but turned it down because  my morals just strictly forbid me from you know, brown teeth.

It must have been around 11 or 12 oclock when we left that place. All I remember at that point someone suggesting we go for Sunday reggae at some club I cannot recall. We got in the car and drove to I could not tell you where. With all the weed, the booze, the blaring music, the street neon lights my mind was just dazed. Thank god I had company. All I remember is we parked somewhere headed across the street and climbed up a set of stairs into this clean, neat club where we were welcomed with with the most sublime reggae sounds ever.

We go sit down in a booth and order some beers. I honestly cannot describe how blitzed I was at this point. Still I managed to keep up though. Time passes and we are having fun. The Dj knows his shit. I’m really zoned in. Taken away by the beats and the sincere melancholy poetry of a stoned rastafarian. Then, in a moment of brief lucidity, I actually listened and heard what the Dj was saying mid songs. Everything in my mind came to a screeching halt. It was like that scene in the matrix when Neo becomes conscious of the matrix and starts seeing everything as green 1’s and 0’s. Binary.

The guy said, ”kama umekaa na mwanaume kando yako sura mbaya lakini sauti nyororo wapi nduruuu..” then all I heard was a thunderous roar. Then he goes “haiya, wale warembo wasimame, kama unajua wewe ni mrembo simama, sura mbaya kaa chini..”All this while reggae is rocking. There’s no stopping it, is there? So I look around and what do I see? Dudes, nothing but dudes all around I swear the only girl I saw there was serving drinks.

I thought I was tripping. Come to think of it, it should have been a little strange to me immediately I walked in. I mean have you ever been to a Kenyan club where you did not see a dude or two trying to grind on some chick? There was none here. So I look around with more scrutiny. The guys were sharply and classily dressed for a reggae fan base. No offense to the reggae fans. I mean these guys were just dapper.Come on, we Kenyan guys are not exactly known for our exquisite taste in matters apparel.

Then, like that nasty alarm at five in the morning it hit me. I’m in a gay bar! What happened next was even shocking. I look around our booth at the guys and I swear two of them were getting a little bit too cozy. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Was it the weed? No. This was real. Then the other guy who was alone busted me staring at the two dudes. He started talking to me weirdly telling me to chill out and that that’s how they roll .All I remember is telling him that I was cool and that this was not really my sort of thing, no judgment, then walking out.

I went downstairs and out into the streets. I then walked around the block trying to process what had just happened. All sorts of paranoid ideas came to mind. What were these guys planning? I went and sat down on a street bench and chilled out for a while. I was still very high despite the shock of my predicament. I must have stayed there for about half an hour before deciding to head back to the club. I had decided to go ask the guys for the car keys so I could just grab my phone and dip.

In I go, head for our booth but there is no one there. I look around the place. No one. I decide to hang around a bit, maybe they’d show up. Nothing. I head out back to the street again to check where we had parked. No car! The sons of bitches had left and with them my phone. I had no cash so I had means of getting home. It must have been around 3 to 4 a.m when i finally decided I couldn’t wait for the buggers any longer and decided to walk home!

I walked home, alone, cold and in darkness. Thika road is scary to trek. I got home almost six in the morning. It is Monday morning and people are going to work. The hustle and bustle of Nairobi is on. I trudge in the hood in my walk of shame, tired and sober as hell. I just couldn’t wait to get to my bed. What the fuck was that is the only thought ringing in my head as I hit the sack.

Niggalations 4:13, A bro shall never sample another bro’s girlfriend. That’s among the most respected codes in the streets, but what happens when it’s breached?

Previously I had mentioned nilikua na Cabron fulani beshte yangu mbaaya anaitwa Edu. Edu alikuanga wale wasee wa kupagawa kimapenzi. Kila time alikua anaongelea manzi yake, mara ooh “nacheza game ya mwisho niende manzi yangu asijam” sijui ooh “manzi yangu alisema nisichelewe” 😕Jamaa mpaka alikua anapause game ndo ashike simu ya manzi yake,can’t be me🚮.Anyway, nasema huyu boyz alikua amezama kwenye mapenzi, lakini hakuna mtu alikua anajua huyo manzi yake, maybe he had a reason to keep her away from us. Day fulani Edu alikam kugame akiwa na stress mbaya

Kumuuliza akanichapia they were having hard times, ati sijui manzi yake ameshikana na rende fulani ikamchange akaanza kudemand vitu zingine cabron hangewezana. Nigga was afraid he was gonna lose her, lakini tukamshow kulingana na vile hua anasema wanapendana, watasolve issues😂. Unlike our other gender, we don’t usually follow up to know what happened, so hio story tuliachia hapo. Beshte yangu mwingine alikua anauza stuff za madem, earrings and such akanipea photos akanishow nimsaidie kumarket. Nikaingia pale greenapp, nikaseti status na nikatuma groups

Madem walikua wananiinbox, nawashow vile watapata hizo stuff. There was this ghel kwa group fulani alinitext, alikua anadai beads za nywele, kidogo akanishow ameangalia dp yangu, nakaa familiar. Sisi cabrones tukiambiwa hivo tunaonanga tu potential ya mechi😂,we started texting.Dem akanishow alikua ameniona juja a couple of times. Nikaangalia dp na dem alikua mali safi, rangi ya thao, ile thao ya kitambo, ama chwani ya saa hii😂. She was very edible, so akaingia kwa list ya potentials. That same night we texted till late night, signs of a lonely girl😂

She even started sending pictures, I’m not gonna lie, ghel was pretty😍. She told me she was in a relationship but she was to end it in the next few days😂,alikua anadai ati huyo nigga wake hakua anamfanyia shit😂, if only she knew, mimi pia ni wa hio kanisa, hatuna pesa buana😂So around 3 am, she told me she was sleepy then texted “goodnight handsome😍” I know we are all in agreement when I say hio ni direct ticket to the finals😂. At first alikua kwa folder ya potentials, teketeke nikamove file yake kwa folder priorities😂, huyo hakua na kazi mingi😂.The next day ilikua tumeet nimpatie beads za nywele zenye alikua anadai. Tukameet gate A, nikampea beads, nikamshow ata nimembuyia hizo😂, alafu nikampeleka hapo kwa moha, akapigwa smokie pasua roundi tatu, wanaume na pudesh 😂, yaani nilienda biz lakini nilipiga double losses 😂

Lakini singemind, huyo dem alikua mrembo serious. Ilikua sato, nikamuuliza ama ako na form, akanishow alikua ameboeka tu kejani. Nikampitishia containers, nikashika captain morgan, tena tukapigwa piece mbili mbili za kuku za karai😂, cabron hio day alikua amekafunga😂.Dem nikampeleka bedsitter. Hio day bedsitter ilikua in a mess, lakini trust me when she’s down, she’s down, ata ukimpeleka chini ya lori😂. Tukaanza kukata polepole, story zitambe, dem ananichapia sijui anapenda nigga anaeza mchekesha, sijui nigga anaeza mchallenge, upus kama hio. Mimi naye kwa department ya vichekesho ni kama majani chai kericho😂, utacheka mpaka utoe nguo mwenyewe 😜. Nilikua na bag, nikamuuliza kama anajua kuroll🍁, akadai hajui, nikamshow nimfunze, dem akanice mbaya😂. Clearly hii encounter ilikua na only one outcome, it was inevitable

At around 7 nikampima, ati nifike shop nitafute dishi ya supper, akasema sawa, hio ilikua confirmation ataspend, mazishii😂.Nikashuka nikabuy chipo, kupika ilikua inakaa kazi mingi😂.Kiburi ya pombe,nikanunua rough rider,trust ni ya average cabrones,kapesa kadogo huleta problem😂. Kurudi kejani, dem ananiuliza “babe umeamua tukule chipo😊?”, babe tena? Ogopa madem huitana babe ovyo ovyo😨. Wanasemanga ukipenda chips, penda pia waru😂,ilikua tukule alafu nimkule😂.Hio time zimebeirut kama nansenz mpaka tulikua tunabonga ngoso, unacheza nini, pombe na vela💥

Dem fulani maringo sana nilikua bado namkatia akanitext, nikabluetick, I mean, Why buy a cow if you can get milk for free?Nilikua na nyama iko marinated already,hao wengine wa kubahatisha wangoje😂.Nikadive right into it, kutembeza mkono, ungedhani nampiga frisking aingie cell😂. Hio foreplay within 90 seconds, nguo zake zilikua zimevacate premises😂. Nikachomoa rough rider zangu, the only one time I had bought those for myself, lazima ningezitumia ipasavyo, she wasn’t rede😂. Misichana nikalaza kifo cha mende, first 2 strokes, nikaona danger😂…Dem alikua ananiangalia straight into the eyes, alafu ananichum chum, abort mission, hao ni wale wa kufall in love😂. I had not signed up for that, nikaamua kifo cha mende niachie wayahudi na wapendanao, it was time for spooning 😂, mapenzi tuheshimiane, nilikua nataka tu kugwara

Of course I had to give her my signature backshots, hapo ndio mi hupenda kufungia kazi🍆💦, inakuanga greatness tupu😂. Vile tulikua maji, after round one we fell asleep, but hakukua na pressure, morning glory pia huweza sana. But the next morning was madness, I wasn’t ready😨.Niliamshwa na kelele ya mayi ikichomwa na pan, alaa rada gani? Kufungua macho kidogo niingie panic mode, nilikua nadhani nimehamishwa, dem alikua amefua, akaosha bedsitter na akapanga, haikua inakaa kwangu😂. Nilikua naskia kumuoa buana, siku hizi kupata hio type ni ngumu😂.Dem alikua anapika breakfast hio time😊. Kidogo nikaskia mtu anabisha mlango, kufungua nikapata ni Edu, alikua amekam kunichukua twende zoezi na maboyz, sunday ilikuanga day yetu ya zoezi. Nikamshow singemake hio day juu nilikua na fine ghel na nilikua nimepiga tu round moja bana

The entire time tulikua tunabonga na Edu nikiwa kwa mlango, lakini kuna design alikua anaangalia sandles za manyoya za huyo dem, zilikua hapo nje😲. Dem akiwa ndani akaniuliza “utakula breakfast saa hii?”, nikaona Edu ameshtuka. Edu akauliza “hizi sandles si ni za Debbie?” Nikamshow eeh ni za Debbie, ata ndie ako bedsitter😂. Jamaa alinipita design hawkers huhepa kanjo😲, akaingia bedsitter yangu. Nikaskia “Debbie surely?”, alaa, I couldn’t understand what the hell was going on tena akanigeukia akaniuliza “bro kumbe we ndo hukula manzi yangu?”😲Mi sikua naelewa, Edu akanishow “huyu ni Debbie, manzi yangu” Shit, sema kimeumana😲. There was nothing I could do, nishazama, that can’t be reversed. Debbie na yeye alikua anaroroa nansenz bila ata kujali, hapo nikasense kanaeza nuka, Edu hakua anataka kuskia😕, yashamwagika😂

I was trying to be respectful, but it wasn’t coming off, how do you even start saying sorry. But in my defense I didn’t even know she was his girlfriend, but she knew we were friends, that’s why she said I looked familiar. Edu akauliza dem mbona aende kugawa kwa beshte yake? Dem akadai alikua ashamshow yeye form zake amechorea😂, hawa magaidi lakini😨. Dem nikamshow atoke, nikaingia keja nikafunga wamalizane huko nje. Edu hajawai nisamehe, lakini hua nashangaa makosa yangu ilikua gani kweli? Nitakosaje kusample mali safi na imejipa? 😩Sasa niliwaste pesa na rough rider na ata nilitumia moja😭. Bado pesa ya earrings za wenyewe nilitumia kuburudisha mrembo😭, na potential mwingine nilikua nimemlisha blueticks😭, nilikua nimedishi L on all sides😭… ✒

Cabrones, Normalize kutambulisha manzi yako kwa mbogi ndio wasije wakamsample😂.Pia normalize kuingiza viatu zote ndani kama unapiga mechi, kama sio hizo sandle za manyoya labda ata Edu hangejua,na ningepiga roundi zangu tatu za mid morning 😩

@tonnie_wa_juja

Kanairo Sex Den

Nairobi is the capital city of sex in Kenya, it’s a huge bedroom where people smash and pretend not to know each other when they meet in the streets. Your wife is eaten and returned to you like ‘I believe this belongs to you?’ Married men with money to burn get young girls who are hungry for flashy lifestyles, buy them stuff and the coochie is open for business. Money and fame drives this youngins so they would do absolutely anything to get it. You see lots of people work to get money and some especially in the entertainment industry for fame, but they work for these nobody will give it to them freely. These young hot-blooded girls don’t wana work for their dough, they want readymade and available cash to chop. Anybody who is loaded can smash these type of chiqs, I mean anybody! They will ignore your ugly face just to get to your wallet.

I don’t hold anything against the feminists, but truth be told most of them are hypocrites. They will rant on social media how men are trash but still be opening their legs to some nigga on the low. Most of them say that they are independent and do not need a man in their life but still be suing their exes for child support. I thought you want nothing to do with a man’s money? We need feminists in our current society, they always protect their own. But there is this group of women who bash men on social media, they post shit about men the whole day, tell us how men are dogs but still get smashed by these same men they are ‘attacking’. You want to tell me that your heart hates men but your vagina is in love? Trust me these Nairobi women who hate on men online are the ones who spread their legs the most. I know there are real feminist who stand and live by what they say. Nothing is wrong with having sex, the problem comes in when you become hypocritical about it.

I pity people who are dating, your girlfriends have now become service providers. Your boyfriend will smash all your best friends, the same friends you introduced him to. You hang out together today, they exchange numbers then later on they will exchange body fluids. Introducing your man to your female friends is like giving him a through pass. Men are like hyenas they never get satisfied with having just one woman. You might be as hot as hell but he will cheat on you with a girl half your looks. This tells you men don’t always go for looks, it’s just about the sex. You have a boyfriend but still get smashed by other men, you have a girl but still chase other women, what is the point of that relationship even? Most relationships in Nairobi are a scam, the whole thing is built on lies. Later when you find out your partner was cheating you call them hoes and yet you were also cheating. If you are not ready to commit then just stay in the smash zone instead of lying to him/her.

With this corona thing terrorizing the country, there is nowhere to party since movement at night is restricted. Ngong Hills is the latest green lodging to be launched in Nairobi. Guys car pool and your girlfriend is tagged along. Alcohol and some snacks for the road are packed. Money is hard to come by right now, you are broke so you can’t take your woman out. She won’t go to Ngong Hills with her friends just because you said NO. Not only will she go but also get smashed  at the back of the car and there is nothing you can do about it. If you are in upcountry right now and your girlfriend posts a picture in Ngong Hills, tell her ‘akubakishie’.

Sex is the one thing everybody loves but do not want to admit. That girl that you have been pursuing for so long but she still evading you, there is a guy who is tired of ‘eating’ her. Men have been crying that they sent some girl money for fare but she switched off her phone. That girl is just using you for the little money you have, there is a guy who smashes her for free, no fare no nothing. Don’t stress yourself just because you were rejected, find solace in the thought that another guy is rejecting her too. Most of these girls who pretend that they hate sex are the ones getting smashed around town.

Majority of the population in Nairobi is made up of youth, but the rest are married people; a significant number. These married Nairobi men are the ones who are in charge of the bedroom keys. They cheat like it’s nobody’s business and yes it’s none of our business but why marry then step out on your partner. You stood in front of your family and friends, made your vows to each other in holy matrimony, your wedding was presided over by a man of God and then later you hook up with young girls who are desperate for ‘THE LIFE’. For better for worse is now a scam, in fact marriage is also a scam! If you love hoeing around then don’t get married.

Everybody is smashing everybody in Nairobi. If you don’t believe me, that girl that you hit sometime, ask around if anybody else has eaten her. You will be surprised to find most of your friends on the list. I love it though that sex has become so normal in this town, let’s now turn those moans into conversations. Tell us why you love having sex, other than cumming what’s in it for you? Anybody who is walking around Nairobi claiming to be a virgin is a scam! The only virgin in Nairobi are the unborn babies. Little advice to men, your girlfriend is only yours when you are with her. She belongs to the streets so when you are not around she goes back home!

Friendship,Betrayal,Love and Heartbreak

Fortunately,I joined  a top school around Eldoret town.Everything was exciting there and life was fair enough. Academically,it was a slow start prior to my expectations.I was position 71 in the first exam in 2012 and ironically second in the finals.Well, I expected that.
Before all this, in my final year in high school I was lucky to be part of a trip to Mombasa.It wasn’t really for top students but rather final year students,thanks to 8-4-4.We went by road passed through makindu(a place i never thought i would visit later with a different agenda).Past midnight we were already at Mombasa municipality and we were taken to Miritini-Iyale school where we could reside untill dawn.

Innocent as a lamb, I slept with nothing to think of a new place
It was hot and silent.Its 7:30am and everyone is awake and exited.I was exited too, though anxious of what I was to expect.Curious.Our patron lead us to the bus and prayed for the day.And gave a common command “STAKI MCHEZO”
We boarded and straight to pirates beach.We started grouping ourselves automatically based on interests,friendship,class and class(you know what i mean) and specifically the cheekiness.
We were given a green light to roam around  untill the beach is closed.
It took me a blink of an eye to group myself with Allan,Frank,Collins and Mativo-Friends and one outcast.

Agenda?’Kuogelea na kusaka madem’.First we took a roll call on girls schools available and a surprise name was MOI GIRLS SCHOOL ELDORET, our neighbors.Though we were not in good terms with the school because wanaringa.We had to snob them.
Besides them was a very uncommon name in our lips, ST.JOSEPHS GIRLS KIBWEZI.Remember I’m very curious I had to say ‘ Majamaa hii ni shule gani si tuwatafute ‘
We had some arguments but I  won because I had authority juu nilikuwa karao chuo.So we went into the ocean place watu walikuwa wanaogelea and we spotted them.Walikuwa madem wanne.Three had common swimming costumes and one had on top of that a short dress.They didn’t know how to swim well.Oportunity ndio hio man.
We approached them with sexy water moves and a sense of masculinity.

At their glace they seemed frightened.I greeted them and one tumbled over and her dress went up and her brown flesh showed.Guess who took hold of her?Me.
We introduced ourselves as expected with some manipulation.I was Dancy alongside Allande,Frinky and Kush.
They were Faith, Becky and the others I cant remember them well.It has been 5 years now.Pretty honest right?Fay naye alikuwa ameiva kuiva.And everyone wanted her.Time was not on our side.We did some routine pick up lines expected of school boys and we left the beach.Nobody knew who Faith preferred.My instincts forced to to think I was a stand out and I had chances over the gang.

During the rush hour I sneaked out of our bus to look for Fay and Allande saw that and immediately knew my plans.Bythaa tulikula na Allande sahani moja for like three of four years in high school.Akanifuata hadi kwa bus ya kina Fay.Nikaona dirisha alikuwa close to it.I went there na kumbe alikuwa ameniona so akasongea.I was happy.Allan kumbe alikuwa na plans zake.He is hard to read his mind.Alikuwa amevibe madem kadhaa.I asked Fay for her number akanishow hana simu and I knew the deal is screwed up.As i walked back, Fay called me and gave me number.I kept it in my mind and never wrote it somewhere juu nilidhani ananichezea tu.

Second term was over and we went for a short holiday as we prepared for KCSE.
At home I borrowed my grandma her phone and i dialled the number like twice before i heard a voice of a girl.I thought it was her and out of surprise I hung the phone kwanza nijipange what to say.I sent a message and she replied”Fay hayuko bado ako shule”
I knew this must be her mum or something.So i waited and never dialled that number again.After a week I got a message from the same number”Hi Dancy”
The convo started and I already felt the bond forming.We had some introductions and we talked for a while.
It was interesting and we even bet on who was going to be the best in KCSE
I didn’t know how she perfoms neither did she knew my performance.I was anxious.
To be honest I can’t narrate how we became lovers within that holiday.The day before we resume for final term of high school is when I knew I was in love with her.It was so emotional and we wished ourselves luck.
At school I always thought of her.I told my “competitors” that i had won and everyone could see the pride in my face.

We did the exams and I was exited to leave the school anticipating good results which every candidate that year did anyway.First thing at home was to call her.She was very exciting and fun.I could hear the love from her words.
We started making long calls and dreaming together in fantasies.The love filled the air and my life changed.I was very happy and most could see a phone on my ear everytime I was alone.I didn’t even notice how time flew and apparently it was the day results were being released.We had bet with the love of my life.Who do you think won?

I received a call from her and she asked me if I had received my results.From her voice I heard the confidence and kwisha!!
She told me she had grade B and that time I was with my cousin Duke.I congratulated her.I sent a message and I told Duke not to tell me if I scored anything less than grade B.I was uneasy.Everything depended on my grade now.I thought deeply.Soon I heard Duke shouting “bro umeua”. I didn’t belive him.Nilijua ni ukora yake.Nikamuuliza kama ako sure then he came and showed me.Guys I scored an A and my veins got thicker and my heartbeat increase rapidly.

I called her back and she couldn’t believe it.Ati nilikuwa nakaa joker ata sisomangi nikiwa shule.She guessed wrong.Alifurahi sana.Aliniheshimu pia.I had proved her wrong.
Days passed and we could feel the urge of meeting increasing and campus slots were up for grabs.We never wanted to be in the same university though.

Before May 2016 we planned for a meeting.I travelled to the famous Makindu.On arrival she was waiting for me at the bus stop.It was like Juliet and Romeo.Mapenzi ilikuwa everywhere.I was her and all guess what?
Her Amazonian figure sat well on her wafer-thin body. She had a decanter shaped waist and her complexion had an impeccable, ochrous hue. Her pencil-thin eyebrows eased down gently to her black, beetle’s-leg eyelashes. A sculptor could not have fashioned her seraph’s ears and pixie’s nose any better.
When she broke into a smile, her beguiling, oyster-white teeth lit up the room. It could jolt you like an electric current when that megawatt smile gave you her full attention. Filed to perfection, her  fingernails ran through her nougat-black hair. Spools of it plunged around her photogenic face and hid a swan’s neck, elegant and smooth. I loved her nebulous, black eyes which were a-sparkle with the ‘joie de vivre’. They were like two black jewels melted onto snow.
Her calamine-pink lips were fresh. It surprised me that they were plump and botox-boosted as she had a demure, timorous personality. She whispered to me in a dulcet voice as sweet as any songbird”Sasa Babe”. Her voguish clothes still kept captive an aroma redolent of cinnamon and meadow-fresh mint. It lingered in the place long after she had gone.
Kando yake alikuwa amekam na beste yake anaitwa Fello ndo asiulizwe maswali mob home.I remember I was 18 and she was 17.She was 1 year away from legally being an adult.Nikagotea Fello tukajuana.I asked her what next.Akanishow tutatembea pamoja around old town Makindu.I had a Tecno phone which we used to take pictures.
I saw how happy she was and I knew this will never end.We had fun.It was romantic. Adventurers.
Ikafika jioni and she was to be at home before her mum arrives.She told me to a hotel and she left me with Fello and she rushed home.At home,alinipigia simu every hour to check on me.Mke mweeeema anatoka kwa bwana.
Next day she came as early as 7am.I was happy.We had breakfast and Fello left.We had our time.We lost our virginities.It was time to go and she cried as she held me tight.
Akutaka kuniachilia.It was real guys.
I comforted her and bembelezad her.She finally agreed and I traveled back home.One of my best moments will always be in Makindu.

Now this is where things started falling apart.
She joined Meru Uni and I booked a slot in Kenyatta University.I started being petty and felt superior juu ya course nafanya na campo compared to zake.I started meeting new faces and more temptations zikawa mob.Kuna time I was added to a group and I got inboxed my some girls and my ego grew.I forgot how we used to talk and check on each other na Fay daily.
I met new friends and classmates.Environment and company changed.It took a turn I regret.

During the first semester Fay came to visit me more than once and we were still in deep love.Second semester came and I went to Meru with my friend Mose.In Meru I had allies and friends.
And please know my Twin,she is in Chuka university.
In Meru I met Fay and everything was fine.She introduced me to her friends Bree and Kamano.
Over the phone Judy,Becky and her cousins and brothers.I stayed in Meru for 4 days and we slept at Oscars place.We were in good terms and we spent a lot of money.We had good time and long walks in the hills.But all in all I had to get nack to school CATS zilikuwa almost kufika.

I got back to KU and life was normal and relationship stronger.After some weeks,It started to fade again.We went silent for hours which wasn’t the norm.We could only talk and chat for some minutes.Most of my time I used to spend watching and talking with the new friends.During the same period I met Debbie,Rahma and Jayin.As in sikuwa na time ya kuforce issues nilikuwa na a wide circle which rarely made me lonely.Tulikuwa tunacheza cards sana and going to classes rarely happened.My mind was diverted.I couldn’t resist the pressure.One time Fay came with her friend to our place.We used to stay 3 guys and unfortunately kuna msee alikataa exile so ikabidi kujipanga.I called my friend Jayin to ask if i could hire her place for the night. Coincidentally,she was going out with her friends and room mate.Phew!!How lucky?I took Fay to the place and it was clean and serene.

We spent the night and they returned at around 6am with a large group and we decided to go back to our place.I was surprised to meet one of my classmates in high school.We had a little chat and told me with humor “me nakula huyo mrefu”Nikacheka  kama tumejitoa.Tukafika kejani nikaamsha Mose alikuwa amepita na friend wa Fay first day.Tricky sana.
So Fay got back to Meru later in the day.Si life ikaendelea.

This is where real drama started.My friend told me about a guy called Simba who was student in Meru university.I asked her kama ameona Fay akanishow “Fay alienda mtu ashapita nayo”
I assumed but asked I her anyway.Akakataa and regardless life moves on.Then my twin told me the same thing nikalenga pia.

Besides that kuna jamaa alikuwa anataka Fay pia na ubaya sana.One of my gang member pale pirates beach.I trusted him.I gave him her number.They knew each other and even came from the same tribe.So we used to have boy talks with the guy.I never doubted him.So kuna huyu dem flani mtaa neighbor wangu. She’s a good friend yaani arif mbaya sana and we used to hang around together no strings attached though.
Sa me na the guy kuna time we had some arguments pale telegram about who’s more beautiful between Fay and my friend.Na juu Fay alikuwa mali yangu na nilikuwa najua ameweza sikutaka kujisifu
I wanted the guy to praise my gal ndo nifeel fiti… you know!!Venye ameweza nini nini…
Me si nikasifu huyo dem beste yangu naye jamaa anasifu Fay then ikafika mahali jamaa akanitext ‘Bro chunga utaregret this siku moja’….me naye I didn’t mind
Si ni boys wangu tu labda ananipima tu
Naiboi”usipime mwanaume” was no sense to me

After a few weeks maze guess what?Fay aniongeleshi
Kumbe mf alituma screenshots maze!!TF
Sasa si Fay akanipeleka high court pale WhatsApp Dem ako na evidence against me na mimi ata sina witness nategemea ‘trust me babe’
Nilipelekwa mbio nanii na hakuna kitu ningefanya.So ikabidi mwanaume nimenyenyekea  tu.But nikakumbuka beste yangu ndo msaliti machoos tu!!

Later, nikapigia msaliti hakupick call.The guy is a Scofield.Kumbe immediately akaenda kupoison Fay eti I’m threatening him.
Si nikapelekwa kortini tena…pale WhatsApp

Part 2 COMING SOON

Is it love or lust?

Hello people? Please take a seat.🤗
Well, I started dating this guy late october 2018. Everything was well,nice and beautiful🥵.This guy was in Nairobi and I was in Kakamega. I would visit him na nilikua najipeleka na pesa yangu mwenyewe😩🥺
Well, y’all say dem akipenda huwa haombi pesa😂😌its like that with me

365 days from January 2019 sikuwa shule I was in Nairobi hapo we were monitoring each other vizuri😂 I wasn’t kwake nilikuwa kwetu..so I would do the random visiting every week😆
Wah!! Thika Road ilikua imenizoeaaa😊😹MAPENZIII❤️ Later, ikafika mahali, I realized this guy was still playing some games and all that.I once found his ex girlfriend nudes kwa phone yake na pia alikuwa akichat na dem mwengine akimsho vile he’ll marry her🥵DAMN!!..”I’ll kneel down for you”😌I got hurt.I cried
The guy akanibembeleza ati ooh babe huyu dem ata we’ve never met🥺…
And about his ex akasema eti she sent the nudes mwenyewe he never asked her to send them😩😩💔Men are liars aki🚮🚮

Those were enough red flags for me to leave but well, mapenzi ni nani!!…I kept on telling myself he’ll change and I prayed and hopefully he would🚼😹wah
Mungu kama angekuwa karibu angenichapa kiboko juu ya ujinga🌝🙁…madem ni mafala btw!!!
Things escalated so fast😩.By May hapo jamaa akaanza kuwa rude😱😭Akaanza kujidisconnect,hakawa hawezi nitext,hataki ata tumeet🥺..Bana.. imagine being in Ruiru na msee ako Roysambu na hataki hata mpatane
When I make plans anasema wakona family gathering hiyo siku😂😂😩💔Soon,akaanza kupost pics na madem huko job eti ni work mates na anacaption na emoji za love🥺🥺😭
Hapo nkaanza kuona enyewe things are falling apart ..but Mimi ni nani…I was forcing them to be okay🥺🥺🥺

He was openly pushing me away😭😭 It was so evident that he wasn’t into me.He never told me but he would say eti things will be alright😩😩😩🥺💔
I cried nikakonda. I hated myself for loving so hard and never got back the same love and energy🥺😩
July came nikaishia home coz ya stuff ya census.💔Immediately nilifika home the following Friday jamaa ndio hio ikapost pic akiwa kwa graduation ya ex wake hapo KU🥺😩😩😭😭😭😭😭😭🥵Recall that graduation ya KU are held on Friday,siku ya job. Imagine ameomba permission boss ndio aende graduation Na Mimi kumsho tumeet on Sunday anasema wakona family gathering😭😭😭Nililiaa🥺.Aki nilikuwa home.I felt useless🥺💔When I asked he told we a graduation is a different case and I shouldn’t question that 🚼🥺
God!!I was still calling this mf and he would pick ama akose…na akipic anaongea two seconds kama tu izo shots zake😏
He confidently tells me hana kitu ya kuniambia
I was evidently forcing issues…

Mungu ni nani plus the FBI in me😀..It happened that I had his email account in my phone..so all his contacts are reflected kwa contacts zangu pia.I realised amechange my name from “Bae❤️❤️😍😍 ” to the names in my ID.Me sikuwa na shida na kuchange lakini mbona aandike jina zangu zote za ID kama mtu wa kuunda stima🙄🙄
Then there was a new one called “lifeline”🥺💔😱😭..hapa sasa I died😂😂😂😂He got himself a lifeline and left me lifeless. Inhuman!!🚼
Let me rudisha you back…the last time I met this guy was May na niliona anachat na dem eti bff wake akimsho eti anadai kuniacha😱
Mimi I’m always stupid in love and i was told ‘ beb nimemwambia chenye she wanted to hear’🥺..My stupid ass believed😭😭😭😭😭😭💔.

Back to what we were talking about
So I called this guy nkamsho tuachane🌝But I didn’t mean it.He asked eti mbona nasema hivo…akadai nkirudi Nairobi we will talk🌝
Census zikaisha.I went back to Nairobi.. But sikumsho.I was already fed up…I was struggling with my heart and mind. My heart was still too much attached🥺🥺but my mind was already tired of everything drama that happened.So the day I was travelling back to Kakamega,It was September last year I called him nikiwa booking office…akakuja🌝tukaongea 2 mins na akaenda😭😭😭..nikabaki tu kujichocha the guy was still in love🌝nkafika Kakamega
He didn’t want to keep in touch.One day I attended a cleaning exercise which was held in vihiga.There, I met my first ex boyfriend ni wa MMUST🌝😭..We took group photos za watu almost 8.I didn’t take any photo with one other person zote zilikua za group of 8 people…nikapost status…nika caption ” cleaning day”🥵

Wah!!…hapa sasa cards were turned back on me…all of a sudden huyu mguy hakuwa ananiongelesha
Akakuja inbox akanisho nimerudiana na my ex and its over🥺🥵💔…
Sincerely guys,only a group photo of 8 guys🥺😭😭😭..aki nikalia tena. I tried to explain to him akasema nothing can work out between me and him
Nikalia na nikazoea na nkatulia.
2019 ikaisha..tukaingia 2020…in my mind I knew I was dumped bc he said it was over and nothing can work out🥵🥺🌝..so nikakuwa happily single…nkaanza kuglow and grow kwanza ass😊😊…I was so happy😊😊😊genuinely happy
Do you remember LIFELINE?She was posted on her birthday and I was hidden from viewing😭😭.. Nikatumiwa screenshot na mutual friend💔This was two days after jamaa amenisho nothing can work out between us🥺🥺

I was mad but I couldn’t do anything coz nishaambiwa its over😭😭😭Lakini who is Karma?A bitch always😂😂Jamaa amedowngrade.Dem(lifeline) hawezi nifikia😹😹alikaa tu mashida…
So Mimi nikatulia tu nikaanza kuwa happy with my ghels…😊Feb tweny tweny, the guy came back to me😱😱
He’s claiming me back.Mshenzi sana mimi huyo I fall for him again all because I still had that lil love for him😱😩😩😩💔Tutakuwa poa hadi juzi tu last week😱😩😹He suddenly changed.He stopped kunitext and didn’t pick calls na akaanza kunighost😱Nikamcall and asked what’s happening?Are you still into me?
The son of a b*tch said I don’t know😹Wah chwest pains!!
I went on to ask how a yes/no question is replied with ‘i dont know’
The guys akaniambia ati I stop forcing him
Huh!I told him he’ll never hear from me and wished him a good day
REGARDLESS WE MOVE ON
😂😂But I’m happy he dumped MREMBO for MRENDA😂😂

Dancy

Unfaithful Men

To be able to cheat you have to be in a relationship, if you are not in one then you are just hoeing around. Men are naturally polygamous, on everything actually; they love to own a lot of things at once especially women. There has been this question of who cheats more; men or women? You know what I think, when a woman cheats a lot of strings are attached and a lot of emotions are built up in the process. A man however does it mostly for the sex. This is why it is easier to save a relationship when a man cheats, he just has to forget about the sidepiece and focus on the wife. Most of the times when a woman steps out on her man, that relationship is over. Men cheat for a lot of reasons, but love ain’t one of them.

Variety is something that men really love; one woman is never just enough is it?  They love to have a couple of women so that when he isn’t feeling her girlfriend, he hops to the others. It’s like rich folks and cars, they have several so that they keep changing anytime they feel like it. Am not saying women are like cars but that is how men view them. When they are just talking and a girl walks in front of them; ‘nani anaeza kua anaendesha hii, hio boot yake iko sawa!’ Men naturally love to own several of one thing, feeds their huge egos.

Men love an exciting sex life, unpredictable and can be as wild as possible. He has been with his girlfriend for some time now and the sex is starting to bore him; he has to find another woman to bring the excitement back. It’s like he has done everything there is to do in bed with his girl and he so he feels like he needs a new challenge. The challenge will come inform of another woman; trust me he will work to impress her in bed. Having an affair is exciting, it’s like a thriller movie; a lot of adrenaline going around, just like robbing a bank. You have to find a secret place to smash, you never meet in public and you rarely call each other; tell me this isn’t just like working a mission in a thriller. Men love all these blood rushing moments, they live for times like these; come to think of it we all do.

A man can cheat because he is looking for something his woman doesn’t have. The main chiq might be hot, sexy and has one hell of a body but is not a good listener. He comes home tired and tries to tell how hard the day was be his girl keeps interrupting with stories of her own. Trust me he will look for a woman who can listen whenever he wants to talk about stuff. He can also in search of attention, respect, or a woman who won’t be so judgmental of his life choices. He will be unfaithful just to search for the one thing you don’t have.

Men love to play games, stupid ones in fact; a man is just a baby with a beard. He can cheat just because his friends dared him to. One time they are just drinking and they spot a cute girl in bar, his friends tell him ‘I dare you to go over there and convince that girl to give you some’. That is how it begins, he will do it and if he succeeds he request another one; ‘leteni ingine nynyi, mtakuja kunitii nyi watu’. These are just things men do for fun but is considered cheating because they have a girl at home.

Money is a powerful convincing tool and men know how to use it to their advantage. He has enough money to burn so he decides to use it on women. Goes out with the gang for a round of drinks, sees a girl, is interested, buys her whatever she wants and boom he boards a direct flight to moan land. This however applies to those who are loaded.

He comes home one day, you and the kids are all over him; I mean you have missed him it’s understandable. Your excitement is all for love but maybe he doesn’t need that at the moment, he wants to lie down and chill which won’t happen with the playful kids around. He will go look for that peace somewhere else, a woman who is single with no responsibilities. She will let him rest and wake him up later on, trust me shit will go down.

Cheating can happen emotionally or sexually. Emotionally is when you start having feelings for someone else but you don’t actually act on them, you have already cheated pal. Sexually is all about the sex, you are hitting someone else while you are committed to another person. Cheating on your partner is not a mistake, you must have thought about it before actually doing it. Men cheat for a lot of different reasons, but as a woman ask yourself this; what role did you play?

Unplanned “You cum I stay”

Nimewai jipata nimeoa bila kujua bana. Dem anaanza kuacha belt then next thing ni panty zinaanikwa kando ya kitanda zinapepea ka windsock kwa weather station.
Ilikuwa closing alafu the following term hatukua tunarudi colle coz mraiya most tulikuwa tunaenda attachement, so wasee wengi walikuwa wanasaka mansion Nairobi.
Mi nlikuwa na keja already so kile nilisaka ni job kwa cyber flani hapo hood ndo nidunge hustle nipate za kulipia nyumba na food na nibaki na za macho badala ya kusumbua wazazi wanitumie doh.So kuna time nili meet dem flani tunajuana tu na alifaa kukuwa attachement pia, akadai ye amepata but ni huko Kikuyu ocha kwao na wazazi wanadai ahamie ocha but hakuwa anadai kuchomoka mtaani soon.

After kuchapiana akadai nimsho place na stay, nilikuwa reluctant at first but juu ali insist nikaamua kumfikisha acheki vile boys naishi ka refugee kwa keja ya aluminium… yani mabati!Hiyo keja ilikuwa inafika mchana ka jua inawaka proper unadhani unaishi ndani ya microwave, unachemshwa hadi ka we ni ugly unabaki umeivaa msee.kwa mansion kitu ya maana ilikuwa kitanda, woofer na lappy pekee… hizo zingine zilikuwa by the way. Mwanaume bora umedoz, umeskiza ngoma na ume watch muvi.. chakula ni kibanda!Akadai si mbaya as long as niko na roof ya ku doz under ikifika usiku coz Nairobi ni shamba la mawe na kupata anything si rahisi… unahitaji connection hadi ku’call customer care ya Saf ndo call iende thru’

So akadai anaeza nisaidia viti zake for the time being coz hata alikua anadai kuziuza but anaeza niachia hadi ni get doh nimpee coz hadai kuenda attachement ocha nazo, si boy child nikakubali. Next day viti zili come thru’ na mkokoteni, manze mansion ikaanza kukaa kama mansion sasa. Dem akadai lazma tufanye house warming bash officially… nikamkumbusha sina stove, mi ni mtu kibanda.
Akadai anaelewa ma boys ku furnish nyumba huwanga ngori so akadai nisijali vitu ni pole pole… si tuka buy chipo na soda tukazichangamkia tukipiga story hadi hatukugundua
Ilikuwa 9:40 na kwake ni far, alafu ni zile ploti hufunga gate by 10 so ilikuwa obvious atapata wamefunga gate.. si akadai anaeza doz kwa kiti tu kama si mind coz hataki kusumbua neiba wamfungulie gate. Boys ikabidi ni act ka gentleman nikamsho alale kwa bed tu mi nta’doz kwa kiti… akadai ni poa as long as niko poa. Si sleep over ikaivana… the owner akageuka the guest kwa nyumba yake.
Boys nikajikunja hadi nika chora “Z” kwa sofa nika doz… nikageuka IDP kwa nyumba yangu, yaani Internally Displaced Pervert.

Morning dem akaamka mapema ka amevaa tisho yangu na panty akadai ningekuwa na stove angekuwa asha make brekko but nikamsho haina noma, next time atapata ka nime’buy stove. Si nikamsho mi naenda works anaeza feel at home alafu akidai kuondoka anaeza niletea key hiyo base nadunga works coz alikuwa anapajua.. nikachomoka nikaenda kujenga nchi. Kitu saa tatu hapo dem akakuja works akanipea key akadai ye anachomoka kufika kwake aone keja yake iko aje, akadai tutabonga mob baadaye… si akatembeza high heels nikabaki works nikisaka dollar. Kitu 7:30 nikaingizia mansion na supper take away kama kawa, ile time naseti supper kwa plate ya mabati naskia msee anagonga mlango… nikajua ni mbogi wa ku time supper ya wenyewe. Si nikafanya vile ma’bachelor hufanya mtu akigonga mlango, nikaficha food jikoni ndo nikafungua mlango… na hii economy kama share yako haiko msee jua tu haiko, ji-sort msee!

Ilikuwa ule dem bana, si nikamkaribisha. Akadai alikuwa anapita tu akakumbuka alisahau belt yake na earings kwa side draw ya bed yangu… nikamshow aingie tutatafta. Akaingia akazipata then alikuwa ameleta supper since mi ni mtu kibanda aliona a buy take away. Mraiya tukachangamkia hiyo food… meanwhile chapo ndengu zangu zilikuwa zinapoa jikoni place nimeficha. Tukaanza kuchapiana risto za vile colle hushika blah blah blah… kama kawa time ikasonga tena tukapata ni 10:30. Akadai hataki ikuwe habit but kama si mind atadoz kwa kiti this time. Same script different day, nika offer kulala kwa kiti but akadai si poa nikuje tu tulale bed coz sisi ni watu wa kubwa tunaelewa hizi v

….itu… ati as long as “TUKO NA SELF CONTROL” hakuna shida.
Ju kujikunja kwa kiti huwanga ngori mwanaume nikajitupa kwa bed, dem alikuwa side ya ukuta na mimi nilikuwa kando yake kama chumvi na pilipili kwa chopping board ya mutura. Dem akadai hawezi lala na jeans so akatoa akabaki na panty na bra but akachukua tisho yangu ya Safaricom akavaa, nikaona hiyo ni “The Better Option” nikadai pia mi siezi nikavua trao na tisho.

Hiyo siku tungelala poa ni vile dem alidai niache uoga nisonge karibu tu’Spoon niache kulala kwa corner ya bed, then kuna venye mjuols ilim’poke mgongo akaguza ku’confirm ni nini… ! Hapo bed cuddling ilikuwa in brief, kwa akili nikajua tumeanzisha kitu italeta noma but mjuols ilikuwa inaniambia nyandua first then think later, tisho na bra zikaenda missing. Panty tukateremsha tu kiasi hadi kwa thighs then akai kick kama punda iko in distress, by the time panty ina land kwa floor tarimbo ilikuwa ime’slide ikachukua ma positions ndani ya ikus. Dem alikuwa na nipples hard alafu warm hadi una feel ni kama uko na heart burn place zinakudunga kumbe ni nipples tu zinatuma signal kwa mjuols itie bidii huko chini.

Tukaanza na missionary tuka graduate kwa colonization, hapa ndo unamshika shingo unam’choke ukimuuliza “Who’s your daddy?” then tukamaliza na independence, hapa kila mtu anajivalisha suruali. Bana tunamaliza kufurahisha genitals nikaskia dem amedai “Babes that was great…” Hapo ndo brain ika regain control from mjuols nika realize niko kwa relationship sijapangia. Mwanaume nikaendea ile chapo ndengu nilikuwa nimeficha hapo jikoni nikaichangamkia kurudishia mwili nguvu… then nikarudi kipindi ya lala salama.

Asubuhi Boy child nikaamka nikapata dem alikuwa ametoka kwa bafu akanisho ashaniwekea maji moto kwa bafu niende nipige shower kwanza ndo ni take brekko.. yaani dem alibeba coil kwa purse?!!! Si nikachangamka hadi bafu kuoga, huko nikakutana na panty yake ameanika nikajua hawezi ibeba ikiwa wet so ni obvious hajavaa panty na atashinda huku kwangu leo… hizi hints sikuwa naona mapema bana. After kuoga mwanaume nikajitibu brekko faster faster nikachangamka hadi works, nilijua akitaka kutoka ataniletea key ya mansion huko works… nikaenda kuwa mtu wa maana kiasi.

Lunj time dem akaletea lunch kwa hot pot nikachanganyikiwa kwanza, nikadhani maybe ame buy kwa kibanda na wakamwekea kwa hotpot juu wanamjua… si nikashugulikia tumbo kwanza maswali baadaye. After kushiba kama kawa mtu hukuwa lazy especially ka ilikuwa heavy lunch so sikuuliza maswali mob, dem akajitoa akarudi mansion… nikajua nime save pesa za lunch ya hiyo siku. Nkatoka works 7 kufika mansion nika notice changes. Nguo zangu zilikuwa kwa cloth line zimefuliwa, alafu nyumba ilikuwa inanukia air freshener na star soft, harufu ya socks na viatu ilikuwa imepotea
Viti ziliwekwa vitamba alafu mosquito net ilikuwa ina swing juu ya bed ka chandelier, nika notice kuna gas coz kulikuwa na harufu ya nyama inapikwa, then dem alikuwa amedunga tisho yangu na sweat pants.

Dem aka nikaribisha na hug na zile za “Babes nimeleta vitu kiasi, atleast inakaa nyumba sai…” kuskia nimeitwa “Babes” tena nikajua iko shida… umewai ingia kwako but under new management. Then akadai kuna vitu alishindwa kubeba ameenda kuletewa na lorry… mans nikajua hii hata si “Come we stay” hii ni “You cum, I stay” so nikajua vile nilimnyandua hapo ndo nilijifunga msee. Kitu 9 hapo lorry ikaleta vitu, apart from kitanda na kabati, hizo vitu zingine zilikuwa manguo zake.. nguo na viatu zilikuwa mingi ungedhani alikuwa anaishi kwa boutique.

Msee nilikuwa speechless coz vitu zilikuwa mingi na mansion ilikuwa less so zilikuwa zime chrome, kulala kwa kiti ikakuwa mystery so ikabaki tutafinyana kwa kitanda tena… underline FINYANA.This time ni yeye alianzisha cuddling, akili ikaniambia niache kuzoeya but mwili na mjuols ikaniambia ikus only comes once… nyandua kwanza then kesi baadaye, si nikatii nikapanda mti ka Wangari Mathai. Next day nikaamshwa kuweka mti ya aerial nje coz alidai anapenda kuona soap, so mi ka man of the house ikabidi… dem alikuwa attachement kwangu na mimi ndo attachem

en

t al…….

…..ikuwa anaFANYA. Nili realize maisha imenigeukia a week later, mwanaume nioge asubuhi alafu nirudi nioge tena usiku bana, pesa nayo haikuwa inakaa mfuko coz mahitaji ilikuwa mob kushinda shida zangu. Mwanaume nanukia star soft na shampoo kama mtoto, sipati amani ya kunuka sweat kwa mansion yangu bana… nilikuwa nishajifunga na mi bado sijamaliza raha za dunia msee. Ikabaki nashinda nikiuliza dem anaenda attacho siku gani? Alafu na ye alikuwa ananisho “Am still working on it Babes” nikajua huyu ni kama amechorea kuenda attachement sasa.

Rumours zika spread kama blueband kwa mkate ati nimeoa, boys nikajua nisipo fanya kitu mapema ntajipata na attend roracio yangu… alafu mi ndio ng’ombe ningejipeana kama mahari.
So kuna day alinisho nitoke works mapema ati We need to talk, bana nafika mansion dem ananishow “We need to move to a bigger house” ilibidi nimemchapia sielewi hiyo ngeli ya “WE”. Yaani uhamie kwangu alafu sasa unataka tuhame, nilimsho it’s time ameacha kufikiria in plural form aanze kufikiria in singularity form.. coz watoto wawili wakioana hiyo ni utoto! Read between the lines, ku-lay down pipe haimanishi una own water company, mi nlikua tu plumber, kazi yangu ilikuwa ku lay down the pipe… Get it!

Ikabidi nimemchapia it’s time aende attacho kwanza story na ku move to a bigger house atapanga na bwanake akisha oleka coz boys nilikuwa bado student na hakuna commitment nilikuwa nayo na yeye. Mwanaume nikaambiwa hata sikuwangi m’cute ni huruma tu alikuwa amenionea, boys nikarudi kuwa ugly and single ndani ya nyumba yangu… akabeba hadi viti alisema ataniuzia bana. Man’s Not Hot !!!

Enyewe dem akitaka kuhamia kwako ni simple sana, anaeza hata acha wig atakujia next day ama anyoe eye brows akuje next day kuuliza ka uko na felt pen ajichore coz eye pencil yake imepotea